


Paradise Lost/Paradise Found

by TennantsLittleKitten



Series: The "Changes" Verse [7]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, April 25th 2016, Episode: s17e23 Heartfelt Passages, F/M, Takes place during and after, Trouble In Paradise, canon character death, rough waters for the reader's relationship with Sonny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:48:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24476008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TennantsLittleKitten/pseuds/TennantsLittleKitten
Summary: Will the death of a squad member create an irreparable riff between you and Sonny?Part B is out now.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Reader, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./You
Series: The "Changes" Verse [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1657336
Comments: 11
Kudos: 26





	1. Paradise Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during/after Heartfelt Passages (S17x23).

Your vision is fuzzy as you are slowly roused from sleep. There's a soft yellow glow from... _is that a bedside lamp?_ _Where exactly are you?_ Just then a figure leans over. "Hey, doll," speaks the familiar voice, words laced with love. And in the next moment his lips are pressed hot against yours. The kiss is tender and sweet but ignited by a sense of urgency. More urgent than _ever_ before. Your heart rate picks up. You sense his weight lowering onto you. You reach out to caress his bare chest, other hand gliding to the back of his neck to pull him even closer. Your anticipation mounts. His pupils are blown wide. A smirk forms across his lips as he whispers, "Forgive me Father for I'm about to sin."

You jolt upright in the darkness, chest rapidly rising and falling. _You're in your apartment._ Looking to the side, you find Sonny peacefully laying with his back towards you. A steady, rhythmic snore resonates from his sleeping form. _It was just a dream...again_. You're ashamed to admit how much you've been thinking about Sonny in _that_ way as of late. The intimate moments of cuddling and kissing are amazing, yet sometimes your mind wanders to what it would be like to take things _further_. Does he even believe in that kind of thing before marriage or would it not matter as long as he loved someone?

Your relationship is nearly six months old and your bond only continues to grow stronger. Some people may be surprised that the two of you have abstained for so long, but you fell in love with Sonny because of _who_ he is, not for how good he is in bed. And it's because you love Sonny with every ounce of your being that perhaps this next step is a conversation that is worth having.

Morning is still a long way off though, so you push the thought aside for now and shimmy back down under the covers. Slipping an arm over Sonny's waist, you snuggle into his warmth. For a moment, his snoring falters as he releases a contented little moan. It's not long however, before his breathing falls back into a deep, regular pattern. You hug him close and sleep soon finds you once again.

Monday starts out pretty normal. You and Sonny get ready for work in tandem, sharing what limited space your studio apartment offers. But as you sit side by side during breakfast, Sonny catches you deep in thought. "Whatcha thinkin' about, doll?" A curious smile plays upon his lips.

His words startle you and your cheeks flush. "Oh, uh, nothing," you stammer, but your tone is hardly convincing.

"You can tell me anythin', you know that, right?" He leans forward, looking utterly handsome with his messy hair and grey t-shirt, and tilts your chin up gently so as to look deep into your eyes.

"I know," you acknowledge. "But - " You watch Sonny's baby blues flicker in the morning light trying to decipher your thoughts. "Actually, I _do_ want to talk to you about something, though it can wait until tonight."

"You sure?" he asks, concerned.

You nod. "Yeah. It's nothing dire." You offer a reassuring smile to put Sonny at ease. It's best to keep your late-night thoughts quiet until you both have time to sit down and talk them through. The morning rush hardly seems like appropriate timing.

"Alrighty, doll," he smiles again, collecting the empty dishes. Standing, Sonny places a kiss to the top of your head before making his way to the sink.

-x-

The work day is pretty mundane, with the only excitement coming from some back and forth texts to make one another smile. However, neither you or Sonny could have anticipated how everything was about to change…

You message Sonny once you finish your day and then again when you get home. Strangely, you receive nothing in return. _Maybe he's busy,_ you think. _Something probably came up._ Even so, he usually fires back at least one quick update. Today, however, the sun sets with not so much as a ‘ _workin' late’_ causing the uneasy feeling in your stomach to quickly turn to worry. _What if something has happened to him?_ You send another couple of texts and try phoning. All you get is voicemail.

Finally, a call comes in. You pick up before the first ring can finish only for Sonny to deliver the devastating news. "Mike...Mike has been...shot." You've never heard Sonny's voice sound more somber or hollow. "He went in for emergency surgery but...but the prognosis is...it's pretty grim."

_Mike_. Sergeant Mike Dodds. Sonny would talk endlessly about him. How he was a "solid, stand up guy" who stood on his own two feet at SVU. He rambled about how the two of them got along well and you had been nothing but happy for Sonny to have found a friendship like that. Someone he might be able to spend time with outside of work for beers and a chat.

But, as you were learning, life can change in an instant.

You wish you could fly or teleport or... just _something_ that would instantaneously transport you to Sonny's side! His colleague's life is in jeopardy and _God_ _knows_ how he must feel. Your heart absolutely aches. You not only feel like you already know Mike, but that bullet could have just as easily gone through Sonny instead. You can't make Sgt. Dodds recover, but you _can_ be there to squeeze Sonny's hand while he waits. "Babe, I'm so sorry," you manage. "Let me get dressed and I'll be right over."

"There's nothing you can do," he utters. "It's just a waiting game."

"Doesn't matter. I want to be with you -"

"No." Sonny cuts you off firmly. It's the first time he's raised his voice to you in any way. It shakes you to your core, leaving a horribly sour feeling in the pit of your stomach. You try to dismiss it because you know he's tired and scared but the tears still fall when Sonny hangs up the phone. You wish he would let you be there for him...

Sadly, all you can do is wait anxiously for any sort of news. Night drags into early morning and morning shifts into day. You're nothing but restless the whole time and sleep comes in the form of but a few short-lived naps. You find yourself dozing on the couch late evening when a knock on the door startles you awake. Wrapping yourself in a blanket, you pad over and rise to your tiptoes to check the peep hole. It's Sonny.

Your stomach somersaults as you swiftly unlock and swing open the door. Slouched and worn, grief hangs heavily over his form. Sonny's eyes appear empty and sadness overwhelms his usually vibrant features.

You look to him expectantly and all he can do is shake his head _no_. You open your arms and he follows you inside. His whole body trembles as you embrace him. Leading Sonny to the bed, you to continue to hold him as he grieves.

You end up falling asleep curled up together but when the sun rises, you wake to an empty bed, already cold and long since abandoned. Tears sting your eyes as reality sets in and you break down and cry.

(To be continued)


	2. Paradise Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation from Paradise Lost (pt. a). Sonny has become extremely distant after Mike’s death and it seems that life has just thrown you one bad thing after another. Will Sonny finally open up? (Set after S17x23, Heartfelt Passages.)

They say bad things happen in threes. The death of Sgt. Mike Dodds was the first thing to set the world off kilter while the way Sonny reacted was the second. That leaves you fearful of how life could get worse with a possible bad thing number three…

It’s been about two weeks since Mike died and two weeks since you woke up alone. To say Sonny has been distant is an understatement. Initially, you tried phoning (to no avail) and eventually resorted to texts instead:

_Good morning, Sonny. Have a good day. Love you.  
Sent 7:04am_

_Classes are done for the day and I just got home.  
Sent 5:32pm_

_Sitting down to supper. Tried making chicken parm. It's definitely not as good as yours, but not terrible! Love you.  
Sent 7:16pm_

_Miss you, Sonny. If you want to talk, know that I’m here.  
Sent 8:03pm_

_Night, Sonny. Love you.  
Sent 11:28pm_

_Worked late. Goodnight.  
Received 11:52pm_

You persisted in this way for a few days trying to convey that you would stick by him through anything, but it was clear Sonny wanted his space and eventually you conceded into giving it to him.

One evening, when sitting down to the seven o'clock news, you find coverage of Dodd’s funeral. What seemed like a hundred officers stood in uniform paying homage to their fallen brother. The casket was carried down the church steps by Mike's closest comrades; Sonny being one of them. It was sort of surreal seeing him on tv as he was absolutely stoic, though you knew him well enough to recognize the grief that lay just beneath the surface.

It tore your heart apart seeing him that way. You felt powerless because you wanted nothing more than to take away his pain, yet he wouldn't let you in. The days were hard and every night you shed new tears.

Finally, after two weeks you receive a phone call.

"Hey," Sonny's voice comes through. It isn't saturated with sadness like it had been on the night he showed up at your apartment. Instead, it’s apologetic.

"Hey," you reply cautiously. As much as you were thankful to hear from him again, his actions had still left a hole in your heart.

"I'm sorry..." You hear him exhale. "I'm so sorry I pushed you away. I know you were just tryin' to be there for me through all this 'n I've been a complete dick."

You feel tears prick your eyes. "Sonny-" you manage but it's only a whisper.

"No, doll. You don't have ta say anythin'," he interrupts gently. "Would it be alright if I come over? Cook us dinner? Do a little grovellin'? Talk this out ‘n try ta get back in your good graces?"

As hard as the last little while has been on you emotionally, you simply can't refuse.

Sonny shows up to your apartment a short time later, ingredients in tow. He sets them down right away and takes your shoulders gently in his outstretched hands. You can still see traces of grief in his eyes but it doesn't drown out the light like it had before.

He apologizes again and again until you're accepting a hug. Two warm arms engulf you and the emotions hit you all at once: just how much you've missed this – how much you’ve missed _him_.

“Can ya forgive me, doll?” he speaks into your hair.

You withdraw from his embrace to look into his eyes. “Of course, Sonny,” you reassure him, “but I don’t think I can handle going through this again. I need to know that you trust me enough to talk about what you’re feeling.”

It’s an unintentional shot to his heart. Sonny’s brow furrows and his blue eyes soften. He glances at his feet for a moment and takes a shaky breath before meeting your gaze once again. “I’ve never been through this type of thing before,” he begins. “Partly ‘cause I’ve never stuck around a precinct long enough ta get attached to my coworkers. But with these guys – with Mike - it almost felt like he was my brother. And then his life was gone just like that.” Sonny snaps his fingers, the sharp sound piercing the air around you. “I prayed for him. For his fiancée. For his father. _I_ was supposed ta take that call, y’know?” Sonny’s shoulders sink as guilt weighs heavy on his conscience. “I was supposed ta be the one in that house that day. But Mike wanted one last crack at SVU before he left ‘n he _payed_ for it with his life.” Your hands are in his now as he gives them a gentle squeeze. “I didn’t know how ta deal with that ‘n least of all I didn’t wanna to drag you down with me.”

With Sonny’s true feelings exposed, your heart breaks all over again. You lace your fingers with his in an attempt to put him at ease. “Sonny, needing someone to talk to isn’t a weakness,” you state reassuringly. “We’re in this _together_. That’s why I kept trying to reach you…but it seemed as though you didn’t want me around. I didn’t want to pry, but…but this was really hard on me,” you sniffle, trying to keep the tears at bay. You in no way want to take away from what Sonny felt, but you still need him to know how his actions affect you. “I had no way of knowing whether you were okay or not. You left me in the middle of the night, barely answered my messages. We went from “all” to “nothing” in a matter of a day. What was I supposed to think? I tried to tell myself that when you were ready, you’d let me back in.” The tears now start to roll down your cheeks as you lay your feelings out in the open. “But – but I couldn’t help thinking about the worst-case scenario: that somehow all this would create something between us that would be too hard to fix.”

“God no!” exclaims Sonny as he disentangles one of his hands from yours to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. He levels his gaze on you and you can see the shimmer of tears in his eyes too. “One thing that never wavers is how much I love you. You’re my everything, doll ‘n if Mike’s death has taught me anythin’ it’s that you never know what could happen. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. I need you more than you could ever know. So, I’m sorry I was so distant. I should never have -”

You silence him with a sad smile. “I’m sorry for everything you had to go through, but I love you with all my heart. So, all I ask is that you let me in. Whenever you’re stressed or something goes wrong at work, _whatever_ it may be, I’m here. Talk to me. Hug me. Kiss me. I may not always have the right words to say, but I _will_ hold your hand through it all. Just please don’t disappear.”

Instantly, Sonny gathers you in his arms once again. “I promise, doll. I promise.” As he gently sways you back and forth, all you can do is hope that he truly means it.

Eventually, the two of you part and the mood lightens as Sonny sets to work preparing dinner. The food is delicious, as his cooking always is, and you both quickly fall back into old routines of smiling, laughing and just being yourselves.

Later, Sonny is chatting to you with his back turned towards the sink while he puts away the last of your dishes. You’re already heading for the couch when a notification pings on your phone. Upon reading the email it suddenly feels as though the earth is dropping out from under your feet. Your whole body sags, pulling you down onto the sofa. Your eyes glue themselves to the screen, reading the lines of text over and over incredulously and as a result, you don't hear the lighthearted joke Sonny makes. And it's when you don’t laugh that Sonny turns in confusion.

Your ghostly state causes him to toss the dish towel and hastily arrive by your side. "What's wrong, doll?" Your hands begin to tremble. Your mouth is completely dry. "Doll?" Sonny repeats, the concern in his voice growing. "Everythin' okay?"

You manage to turn your head towards him and open your mouth to speak. "I...I...I'm being fired."

"What?!" Sonny blurts, jumping to his feet.

You follow him with your eyes as he paces, raising his hands in disbelief. "It...it says here that the professor who used to teach my course is coming out of retirement and they won't be... _needing_ me anymore."

"Can they do that?" he exclaims, growing angry.

"Apparently so," you say, absolutely defeated. _There it is. Bad thing number three._

Sonny lets out a huff, his hands emphasizing his frustration. "But it's the end of the semesta!"

"I don't know what I'm going to do," you admit. "Once this course is over, that's it. Where am I going to work? How am I going to pay my bills?" The tears begin to fall which instantaneously flips a mood switch inside your boyfriend.

"Hey, hey," his voice is soft and gentle. "Don't cry, okay? You'll be alright." Sonny sits back down next to you and wipes away a tear with his thumb. Then he suddenly lights up. "Move in with me."

"What?" you sniffle.

"Move in with me!" he repeats like it's the most natural thing in the world. "It's not outta the ordinary for two people who love each other to move in together. And _I_ love _you_. Besides," his words tumble out at a mile a minute, "you won't have ta worry 'bout rent and it'll give ya time ta find a new job. Yourra great teacha so you _will_ finda new job."

Your heart melts over his kindness. "Sonny, I couldn't," you shake your head dismissively. "I don't want to mooch off you -"

"Nah," he puts up a hand to shush you. "I _want_ ya with me. Honestly."

You try to smile but there's another dreadful reality that emerges from the depths of your mind. "But Sonny...what if I _can't_ get a job? What if there's no positions available in the city? I...I may be forced to move _away_."

You watch as Sonny's whole body droops. You can tell immediately that he never considered that possibility. He studies you for a moment with saddened eyes before taking your hands in his. They're soft and warm; a sense of comfort among this entire mess. "We'll cross that bridge if we come to it, doll. What we've got is bigger than any distance we may have ta face." He kisses your forehead, lips lingering so you know he means every word. All the heartache from the last two weeks just melts away. None of it matters now. It's just you and him against the world once more.

You squeeze his hands and look Sonny in the eyes. "Stay with me tonight? Please?" It's a desperate plea, vulnerable and exposed. Maybe it's because of his two-week absence. Maybe it's the fear of your uncertain future. Or maybe it's a combination of both. But the thing is: you simply can't bear the thought of being alone. Now, it’s _you_ who needs _him_.

"Absolutely," agrees Sonny without a second of hesitation. He pulls you to his chest for a much-needed, comforting hug.

In the weeks that follow, Sonny helps you pack your belongings up and transfer them into his place. Your parents drive in from upstate to help you move as well, allowing Sonny to wiggle even farther into their hearts.

All the while you finalize the semester's grading and say a reluctant goodbye to the course you've come to love teaching.

Doing your research, you send your dossier to other colleges in Manhattan and the surrounding boroughs. Thankfully, your luck shifts and a phone call comes through with an offer for the fall. It would be a similar contract as before with courses you would enjoy teaching. The cherry on top is that your new campus would be even closer to Sonny's apartment than your previous job.

It would have to be a summer of tight budgeting to make up for your unemployment, but it would also be a summer where _every_ night you get to fall asleep in the arms of the man you love. And really, there is no other future that could be as bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has sat in my drafts for far too long. I’ve had to shelve my fic writing for academic writing and even posting this feels like I’m cheating on my school work. I’ve got so many more ideas in the waiting so I hope that I can squeeze a few more in here and there and hopefully people will still want to read my crap ^.^  
> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
